Losing It

I want to lose the weight I've been carrying around for a while. in my first post I talked about my rather rotund paunch but recently I don't fancy it and intend to lose it, I think I am doing well in that department though since I just hired myself a fitness coach today and intend to keep up with and if possible hack his training regimen. The training is quite hectic with some familiar workout and not so familiar ones to downright weird ones like the sexual movement thingy that got a laugh from the chicks, there must be something funny about watching a guy simulate sex. My thighs ache like fire but there is no backing down on this one.

The MD is a Domenech

Both men are characterized by being totally tactless.

Any football pundit would have heard the name of Raymond Domenech, the coach of the French National Football Team who was gave France its worst World Cup outing in recent times. While reading this article I realized that my boss and Domenech could well have been brothers from different mothers in their choice of words and action which at its best is tactless and at worst childish. Liars and deniers both of them, they both lack team spirit and believe that the answer to any problem is written in their palms and every other person is 'a mediocre' and when shit hits the fan its never their fault but that of some poor associate. Blessed with bloated egos, they never commend good deeds, are rapt to see not so good ones and don't have a sense of proportion in dealing with the misstep.

Some of MD's lines

AAA, i know you are a Mediocre.

I would not tolerate any big man, there is only one big man here, ME

As long as I pay your salary, I can send you anywhere without due notice

Gallas, In any case, you would not be a good captain.

'Put your egos to one side

As long as he can walk, he will play. I have the right to pick him

More on MD soon.

Lagos City Horses

The one noticeable thing for a guy from a nice obscure corner of Ibadan and almost every 'immigrant' is the quantity of motor vehicles. Lagos like most metropolises has a road network problem that turns transportation into a grind and turns commuting from Ikeja to Ajah into a dreaded experience. On a good day the amount of road users is staggering even during off-peak periods and on a not-so-good day when a big truck or semi breaks down on an important exit ramp every Lagos road user feels the grind from mainland to island.

Transport in Lagos is a logistics issue for a single guy like me and it takes some effort to calculate itinerary based on available resources and 'path of least resistance'. This post is about the Lagos city horses.

The Motorcycle, commonly called 'okada' in these parts is the fastest, most expensive and dangerous horse in the city, very effective for short distance hops, the danger factor discourages most commuters from using it for long distance trips. It is a favourite of students and job seekers rushing off to their next lecture or interview.The riders are viewed by most as reckless men(99% of the riders are men) with an inordinate amount of dare-devilry. Most states including Lagos have a law that prevents the rider from carrying more than one passengers and to use helmets in a bid to reduce the accident rate.

My first time on a bike was a breeze, the feeling of total freedom was intoxicating and the teenager in me couldn't see or feel any danger.In Lagos when dusk is coming with its attendant ills and other other forms of transport are few and far in-between it is common to see bikes carrying two passengers.The first time on a bike with another lady passenger was a totally different experience, I didnt feel the freedom at all, all I could feel is the rhymthic bouncing of her derrière against my lower member as we cruised the uneven road.

--More about the derrière later.

Die Hard

Habits die hard and in the case of Mr. Ikechuwku Ogbu, they don't die at all but like the phoenix they just rise from their ashes bigger, stronger and definitely better. I have always firmly maintained that Nigerians are one of the hardiest people in the world and our ability to bend every rule no matter how rigid to suit our own ends is simply legendary or how would you classify Mr. Ogbu's wizardry? A man that was incaserated in one of Nigeria's most notorious maximum security prison, a fate which in itself is enough to bring inmates into an intimate relationship with their makers only brought out the talent in our man. He, from his prison abode ochestrated a con act using one of the oldest tricks in the book to net himself a princely sum of 12 million naira from a desperate woman who wanted to get married at all costs and by the way he is Igbo.

This also brings me to the subject of corruption, I think that the best way to eradicate corruption in Nigeria is by institutionalizing it like they did in North Korea and that simply means that everybody knows how much they would pay in bribes to each public service for an infringement like 20 naira is the premium for any driver that can't produce his license on request... catch the drift?

Love Letters

My dearest Magdalene, I hope this letter meets you in good condition of health, if so doxology. I know you are wondering why on a clear blue-sky day like today you are receiving this missive from me. Well, wonder no more because you are the only flower blooming in the garden of love this afternoon. And in the night you are the only moon that makes the sky bright.

I want to use this letter to let you know how much you mean to the life of my existence. If loving you is a crime, I want to be guilty. If loving you is a sin, I refuse to repent. My love for you is as constant as the northern star. Until now I have been drinking tea without sugar, but your beauty is sweeter than honey. All I am saying is: I want you to be mine forever because I can no longer live without you.

Please I hope you consider this humble and simple request because my life will never be the same again if you say no. I anticipate your favourable reply very soon please.

Your one and only,

Belasco De Hill.

This article at 234next.com gave me some good laughs and brought back merry memories of dark nights, kerosene lanterns and sweatless hotness while I struggled to compose a love letter to an imaginary girl I had fallen in love with, brown skin and a toothful smile, she was perfect. But I went to a boy's only secondary school and the nearest human community was 4km away. That was before the days of txt msgs and kalz, when boys played at been men and girls were virgins. Now I know why they called them the good ol' days.

The Poverty Line

The CIA world factbook page on Nigeria states that 70% of its citizens live below the poverty line and this was the topic of an early morning argument with one of my colleagues who argued that its impossible for anybody to survive on less than $1 per day and that such foreign reports are ploys to continuously paint Nigeria and Nigerians as poor and undernourished creatures. Becuase of the location of the argument(the office) and her discipline(Philosophy) we really couldn't argue it out, so I'm writing this post so as to have something to refer her to.

So to the question 'is the level of poverty in Nigeria that high? and do people survive on less than a dollar?'

The assumed population figure for Nigeria according to the 2006 census is 140 million though the US censors board thinks its actually above 150 million but since the US censors board is a 'foreign body' we would go with the 2006 result. 70% of 140 million is 98 million and while I might agree with my friend that I don't think the below the poverty line numbers is that much, I wouldn't so totally jump in with her to say it only portends 'bad belle' from the CIA it would just signify a flaw in their calculation algoritm since they would have based their result by calculating total population against total declared income after the fiscal year, revenues which are broadly from oil and taxes/royalities and since we(Nigerians) know of Nigeria's weak public management policy its easy to see the flaw.

But are there people who survive on less than a dollar?

The first example that jumps to my mind is the ever present traffic jam hawker who sells refreshments when my friend is cruising home in her air-conditioned car. How much does he make? what is his mark-up on the goods? and like she herself knows what he makes depends on the quantity sold. There are civil employees who are still been paid the minimum wage(7500) here in Nigeria and they have to cater to their family. How much does a police officer make? how much does a cobbler make? an electrician? By the time they spread their entire earnings over a 30 day period and find the mean, that poverty line number starts looking
realistic. To cap it off the Senior Special Assistant to the President and National Coordinator, National Poverty Eradication Programme, Magnus Kpakol said "Some 75 million Nigerians are poor but the government is determined to reduce the poverty line, so that by 2020, only 20 per cent of the citizens will be poor" and his defination of poor? "Accordance to the 2004 living standard survey, a poor person is one who cannot afford to spend a threshold amount of N65 per day".

To my friend, their are poor people in Nigeria, very very poor people, lets just be grateful we were spared.

Everybody is in it

I've been an action movie buff since I was a kid and names like Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis and Dolph Lundgren got my blood racing, in fact I wan turn soldier because of Chuck Norris na my mama take cane sama my head say make I go face my books but that is a gist for another day. Anyways I was stumbling across the internet yesterday when I ran into this new movie that just got my blood racing again and if you are an action movie fan it would do the same to you because "Everybody is in it", Sylvester Stallone, Arnie Swaz(Govenator), Bruce Willis, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren and Steve Austin are the main attractions, believe me when I say that action dosn't get better than this, the only missing name would be Chuck Norris but its okay I won't miss him much. Its called The Expendables and would be to action fans what Valentine's Day is to romantics. Cant wait to see this one.