Losing It

I want to lose the weight I've been carrying around for a while. in my first post I talked about my rather rotund paunch but recently I don't fancy it and intend to lose it, I think I am doing well in that department though since I just hired myself a fitness coach today and intend to keep up with and if possible hack his training regimen. The training is quite hectic with some familiar workout and not so familiar ones to downright weird ones like the sexual movement thingy that got a laugh from the chicks, there must be something funny about watching a guy simulate sex. My thighs ache like fire but there is no backing down on this one.

The MD is a Domenech

Both men are characterized by being totally tactless.

Any football pundit would have heard the name of Raymond Domenech, the coach of the French National Football Team who was gave France its worst World Cup outing in recent times. While reading this article I realized that my boss and Domenech could well have been brothers from different mothers in their choice of words and action which at its best is tactless and at worst childish. Liars and deniers both of them, they both lack team spirit and believe that the answer to any problem is written in their palms and every other person is 'a mediocre' and when shit hits the fan its never their fault but that of some poor associate. Blessed with bloated egos, they never commend good deeds, are rapt to see not so good ones and don't have a sense of proportion in dealing with the misstep.

Some of MD's lines

AAA, i know you are a Mediocre.

I would not tolerate any big man, there is only one big man here, ME

As long as I pay your salary, I can send you anywhere without due notice

Gallas, In any case, you would not be a good captain.

'Put your egos to one side

As long as he can walk, he will play. I have the right to pick him

More on MD soon.

Lagos City Horses

The one noticeable thing for a guy from a nice obscure corner of Ibadan and almost every 'immigrant' is the quantity of motor vehicles. Lagos like most metropolises has a road network problem that turns transportation into a grind and turns commuting from Ikeja to Ajah into a dreaded experience. On a good day the amount of road users is staggering even during off-peak periods and on a not-so-good day when a big truck or semi breaks down on an important exit ramp every Lagos road user feels the grind from mainland to island.

Transport in Lagos is a logistics issue for a single guy like me and it takes some effort to calculate itinerary based on available resources and 'path of least resistance'. This post is about the Lagos city horses.

The Motorcycle, commonly called 'okada' in these parts is the fastest, most expensive and dangerous horse in the city, very effective for short distance hops, the danger factor discourages most commuters from using it for long distance trips. It is a favourite of students and job seekers rushing off to their next lecture or interview.The riders are viewed by most as reckless men(99% of the riders are men) with an inordinate amount of dare-devilry. Most states including Lagos have a law that prevents the rider from carrying more than one passengers and to use helmets in a bid to reduce the accident rate.

My first time on a bike was a breeze, the feeling of total freedom was intoxicating and the teenager in me couldn't see or feel any danger.In Lagos when dusk is coming with its attendant ills and other other forms of transport are few and far in-between it is common to see bikes carrying two passengers.The first time on a bike with another lady passenger was a totally different experience, I didnt feel the freedom at all, all I could feel is the rhymthic bouncing of her derrière against my lower member as we cruised the uneven road.

--More about the derrière later.

Die Hard

Habits die hard and in the case of Mr. Ikechuwku Ogbu, they don't die at all but like the phoenix they just rise from their ashes bigger, stronger and definitely better. I have always firmly maintained that Nigerians are one of the hardiest people in the world and our ability to bend every rule no matter how rigid to suit our own ends is simply legendary or how would you classify Mr. Ogbu's wizardry? A man that was incaserated in one of Nigeria's most notorious maximum security prison, a fate which in itself is enough to bring inmates into an intimate relationship with their makers only brought out the talent in our man. He, from his prison abode ochestrated a con act using one of the oldest tricks in the book to net himself a princely sum of 12 million naira from a desperate woman who wanted to get married at all costs and by the way he is Igbo.

This also brings me to the subject of corruption, I think that the best way to eradicate corruption in Nigeria is by institutionalizing it like they did in North Korea and that simply means that everybody knows how much they would pay in bribes to each public service for an infringement like 20 naira is the premium for any driver that can't produce his license on request... catch the drift?

Love Letters

My dearest Magdalene, I hope this letter meets you in good condition of health, if so doxology. I know you are wondering why on a clear blue-sky day like today you are receiving this missive from me. Well, wonder no more because you are the only flower blooming in the garden of love this afternoon. And in the night you are the only moon that makes the sky bright.

I want to use this letter to let you know how much you mean to the life of my existence. If loving you is a crime, I want to be guilty. If loving you is a sin, I refuse to repent. My love for you is as constant as the northern star. Until now I have been drinking tea without sugar, but your beauty is sweeter than honey. All I am saying is: I want you to be mine forever because I can no longer live without you.

Please I hope you consider this humble and simple request because my life will never be the same again if you say no. I anticipate your favourable reply very soon please.

Your one and only,

Belasco De Hill.

This article at 234next.com gave me some good laughs and brought back merry memories of dark nights, kerosene lanterns and sweatless hotness while I struggled to compose a love letter to an imaginary girl I had fallen in love with, brown skin and a toothful smile, she was perfect. But I went to a boy's only secondary school and the nearest human community was 4km away. That was before the days of txt msgs and kalz, when boys played at been men and girls were virgins. Now I know why they called them the good ol' days.

The Poverty Line

The CIA world factbook page on Nigeria states that 70% of its citizens live below the poverty line and this was the topic of an early morning argument with one of my colleagues who argued that its impossible for anybody to survive on less than $1 per day and that such foreign reports are ploys to continuously paint Nigeria and Nigerians as poor and undernourished creatures. Becuase of the location of the argument(the office) and her discipline(Philosophy) we really couldn't argue it out, so I'm writing this post so as to have something to refer her to.

So to the question 'is the level of poverty in Nigeria that high? and do people survive on less than a dollar?'

The assumed population figure for Nigeria according to the 2006 census is 140 million though the US censors board thinks its actually above 150 million but since the US censors board is a 'foreign body' we would go with the 2006 result. 70% of 140 million is 98 million and while I might agree with my friend that I don't think the below the poverty line numbers is that much, I wouldn't so totally jump in with her to say it only portends 'bad belle' from the CIA it would just signify a flaw in their calculation algoritm since they would have based their result by calculating total population against total declared income after the fiscal year, revenues which are broadly from oil and taxes/royalities and since we(Nigerians) know of Nigeria's weak public management policy its easy to see the flaw.

But are there people who survive on less than a dollar?

The first example that jumps to my mind is the ever present traffic jam hawker who sells refreshments when my friend is cruising home in her air-conditioned car. How much does he make? what is his mark-up on the goods? and like she herself knows what he makes depends on the quantity sold. There are civil employees who are still been paid the minimum wage(7500) here in Nigeria and they have to cater to their family. How much does a police officer make? how much does a cobbler make? an electrician? By the time they spread their entire earnings over a 30 day period and find the mean, that poverty line number starts looking
realistic. To cap it off the Senior Special Assistant to the President and National Coordinator, National Poverty Eradication Programme, Magnus Kpakol said "Some 75 million Nigerians are poor but the government is determined to reduce the poverty line, so that by 2020, only 20 per cent of the citizens will be poor" and his defination of poor? "Accordance to the 2004 living standard survey, a poor person is one who cannot afford to spend a threshold amount of N65 per day".

To my friend, their are poor people in Nigeria, very very poor people, lets just be grateful we were spared.

Everybody is in it

I've been an action movie buff since I was a kid and names like Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis and Dolph Lundgren got my blood racing, in fact I wan turn soldier because of Chuck Norris na my mama take cane sama my head say make I go face my books but that is a gist for another day. Anyways I was stumbling across the internet yesterday when I ran into this new movie that just got my blood racing again and if you are an action movie fan it would do the same to you because "Everybody is in it", Sylvester Stallone, Arnie Swaz(Govenator), Bruce Willis, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren and Steve Austin are the main attractions, believe me when I say that action dosn't get better than this, the only missing name would be Chuck Norris but its okay I won't miss him much. Its called The Expendables and would be to action fans what Valentine's Day is to romantics. Cant wait to see this one.

A Life Of Bribery

Salisu Suleiman is one journalist that has continuously managed to convey without prejudice the dynamics of the Nigerian spirit. In this piece by him titled "Bribing your way through life", every Nigerian gets to look in the mirror. Read on and reflect.

You know the traffic light has stopped you, but still you zoom on, only to be flagged down by traffic wardens who have strategically positioned themselves for that very purpose - not before the lights to deter potential offenders, but after, to arrest actual offenders. For one split second, you consider speeding off, assured in the knowledge that the wardens do not have the vehicles to chase, nor the gadgets to track you. But you stop, and like vultures, they get into your car. You drive to a corner and negotiate. They demand N5,000 or threaten to take you to court. You plead or insult them into taking N200. Both sides are satisfied.

A few days later, officers of the Federal Road Safety Corps mount a roadblock to check drivers and vehicle documents. Your driver's license expired ages ago. Your car does not have insurance or up to date registration. It is seized by stony-faced officers. Soon, a friendlier officer comes along and offers you tips on how to ‘escape' the problem. After artful negotiations, you end up parting with thousands of naira and the car is released. Life goes on.

Not long afterwards, customs officers who demand the original import duties of your car stop you. Nobody knows if they have the powers to do that, but uniforms represent very powerful tools of oppression in Nigeria. Of course you do not have the documents because the car was smuggled in with forged papers. This could be a serious offense, but you negotiate your way out of it with several thousands of naira and a warning to go and get genuine documents. You all know it will not happen.

Then you run into a police checkpoint on a highway. The officers are heavily armed and will brook no nonsense. You do not have proof of ownership, so the car is not yours. To prove that the car is actually yours, you are also forced to part with a couple of hundreds of naira. You curse them. You pray that the money will never be of use to them. You invoke calamities on them and their future generations yet unborn. They do not care. They've heard more curses and more invectives rained on them by other motorists. If you do not cut your losses by quickly leaving the scene, you may end of a victim of ‘accidental discharge' or get shot for resisting arrest.

A friend or relative is in hospital with a health problem. You get there, only to be told that the sick person is yet to see a doctor despite waiting for hours. You immediately take charge. You locate the relevant officials and soon, your patient is moved to the front of the line. Miraculously, he sees a doctor within minutes. The hospital pharmacy tells you that there are no medicines and refers you a private pharmacy owned by his friend or relative. You smile knowingly. A few more notes (one issued by the doctor, and the others by the CBN) exchange hands. Again, by some form of miracle, medicines appear.

At school, there is a carryover that you have been unable to deal with. Your friends and classmates tell you that no matter how much you try, you'll never pass cross that bridge. Eventually, you find out that the course has a fee that has to be paid. Through intermediaries (usually the class rep or other classmates, you pay the fee and the carryover immediately varnishes. Depending on how much you ‘dropped', you may end of with a distinction.

You get home one day to find that your water supply has been cut. You immediately call a contact at the water board who tells you there is nothing he can do since there is a mass disconnection of defaulters going on. Joke. You see the manager and ‘settle' with him and he orders that you be immediately reconnected. The bill is torn up.

Every so often, NEPA decides to remind Nigerians that it is still alive, so even without giving you any power, they issue a huge bill you must pay or else be disconnected (from what, you may be tempted to ask). But you know the game and play along. You part with a few thousands and the enormous bills are erased from the central computer. Don't ask how.

So having bribed, cajoled, threatened and bought your way through life, who then has the moral right to say that votes were rigged, or government corrupt?

Manly Blogs

I'm not a blogger by nature but I like read other blogs consistently, I've discovered some very lovely blogs but alas! they all have female owners with a few ones owned by males but the cobwebs on those male blogs are quite evident. In fact all the blogs on my reading list belong to females and the stuff they post is just beyond my ken. A report I saw recently said that women in developing countries enjoy technology the most, the truth of that is very apparent in Nigerian blogging. It seems blogging is not the manly thing to do, we are supposed to be the strong silent members of the species. So if you do get to read this post, please tell me if you know any male blogs and post the url in the comments box.

A Knight's Crunchy Friday

I've always thought of myself as young, charged and in need of no motivational crap to get my rock on, an hour playing Gears Of War or listening to an abnormally loud Naija Hip Hop track would normally get me back it the groove no matter what, that is until today. Fridays are crunch times in my company especially if you have some deadlines or milestones to include in your weekly activity report. This Friday was a class example, I had only 4 hours of sleep in 48 and I found myself snapping and generally losing my well known cool with everyone.

A colleague then decided to send me the lines at the end of the post and it achieved quite a bit(not GOW level though) in settling me down and providing the much needed charge to finish the day and earn my respect as a programmer from everybody including my head of marketing who said he didn't believe that young people could work under intense sleep-depraving pressure, I guess I just proved him wrong.

Life Is a Gift
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.
Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who died too early on this earth.
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep – Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive to work - Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet..
And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job..
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another – Remember that not one of us is without sin.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.

A Knight's Tale

“On the road again, I can’t wait to get on the road…”

It’s 5:00am and the alarm rings, Willie Nelson’s classic song ‘On The Road Again’ plays on my phone which also doubles as my alarm clock but it doesn’t wake me up ‘cause I’ve been awake since 4:48 and was only waiting for good ole Willie to signal the start of another day .

Water is already in the bucket from last night and thanks to the very ingenious engineer who built my tenement building I have to carry my bucket outside the building to the bathing stalls with my phone tucked in my towel with the camera light on which is quite important unless I am interested in walking into a soldier ant muster point. I make it to the stall in one piece and place my phone on a ledge after selecting the bathroom playlist from the media player, 9ice’s ‘Gbamu Gbamu’ starts with Jesse Jagz’s ‘Wetin Dey’ coming next and Donaeo’s ‘Party Hard’ coming last. I usually don’t make it to Donaeo before bath Is over no thanks to Jesse Jagz abnormally long track.

Back in my room, I now have to face the toughest decision of the day “which cloth to wear?”, see I work in one of those strict dress policy companies and for a guy that doesn’t have a strong dress sense it’s hard to decide which tie goes with which suit, I get it right most days though.

Its 5:40 and I’m at the BRT terminus, only the early birds are here at this time so I can afford to be choosy, I want a window side seat so I could rest my head on the glass to snooze and would normally pray for a lovely young lady to take the aisle seat, I know God wouldn’t answer though ‘cause female early birds are hardworking middle-aged mothers hoping to get a bonus or some goodwill by getting to work early, the young pretty ones are at the tail end of their beauty sleep.

5:51 and the bus pulls out after of the terminus after the driver has filled all sorts of forms and cracked some jokes. I start the bus playlist from my phone and readjust comfortably for the one hour plus journey.

The Java vs. C++ question

The question is as old as Java itself since Java from inception was marketed as "C++ with errors fixed". I fell into the argument recently on a Facebook thread and we had to move it to the gamingnigeria.info forum where me and this creativdeveloper dude proceeded to try and incinerate each other's ego in the ensuing argument, it was a lovely discussion but the underlying question is still just pertinent in today's software development scene.

The first thing any good software achitect does even before putting anything on paper is to determine the software language to go for based on factors like licensing, available knowledge base and such, this makes design decisions easier and more realistic within the context of the problem at hand. The appeal of C++ and Java to most programmers is the fact that you don't pay a dime for licensing and such shiznits and both have high function free open source RAD tools, the next obvious question is now which one to use or in most cases learn?

To quickly answer the which one should I learn question, it depends on your dream job in the monstrosity called ICT, in the Nigerian market though and most places for that matter Java has a strong appeal due to the ease with which freakishly large enterprise solutions can be developed, deployed and maintained. C++ has it niche though and one of such is Games where it is a core essentiality to speak and understand C++.

Java's major strenght is in the networked application running on different hardwares with differing capabilities and over the years it has been fine-tuned to it this department but C++'s major strenght is in what I call "sapping" meaning that if the code is properly optimized it would take complete advantage of the hardware and has a very little footprint signature, something that is very useful when working with very limited harware resources like RAM and the likes.

More to come.

Zoophilia: For the love of animals

"Zoophilia, from the Greek ζῶον (zṓon, "animal") and φιλία (philia, "friendship" or "love"), is an affinity or sexual attraction by a human to a non-human animal. Such individuals are called zoophiles. The more recent terms zoosexual and zoosexuality describe the full spectrum of human/animal orientation. A separate term, bestiality (more common in mainstream usage and frequently but incorrectly seen as a synonym; often misspelled as "beastiality"), refers to human/animal sexual activity. To avoid confusion about the meaning of zoophilia — which may refer to the affinity/attraction, paraphilia, or sexual activity — this article uses zoophilia for the former, and zoosexual activity for the sexual act. The two terms are independent: not all sexual acts with animals are performed by zoophiles;^[1] and not all zoophiles perform zoosexual acts." - www.worldlingo.com.
Now coming across the word zoophilia happened by accident, and that led to my discovering all the related terms. Now its not strange to see especially in Hollywood movies animals especially dogs being kept as pets and household buddies. I used to think it was just one of the many oddities of the 'white' peoples' life since I can't actually understand why I would want a dog in the same house with me but after a few old maid movies, most prominent being 2006 "Notes On A Scandal" where Judi Dench plays an old lonely maid and cries her eyes out when her cat died, I began to understand how too much loneliness can facilitate intimate fascination and attachment with cats, dogs and other household pets.
Then I saw the other side of the scale, some humans especially women seem to have also developed a sexual attachment to the pets they keep especially dogs, a harmless search for the Animal Farm yielded more than I bargained for and in one innocuous step I was introduced to zoosexual pornography. The Animal Farm(Animal Farm (video) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) was perhaps the first zoosexual movie in the west and one of the grossest. I downloaded the original video from a P2P network and had my first retching in a long time, I would naturally advice that if you have a sensitive stomach do not watch this video, do not even click on the wikipedia link above. To boil it down for you, it contains shots of women having sex with a Dog and performing oral sex with the Dog and vice versa. Women with Donkeys and Pigs and a man doing a Cow and a Chicken. If that those not send your stomach turning I wonder what will.
It was that video that prompted my interest in this sexual orientation and I can say that as far as I am concerned it is the pit of the pits of human degradation and should be treated as one.