Die Hard

Habits die hard and in the case of Mr. Ikechuwku Ogbu, they don't die at all but like the phoenix they just rise from their ashes bigger, stronger and definitely better. I have always firmly maintained that Nigerians are one of the hardiest people in the world and our ability to bend every rule no matter how rigid to suit our own ends is simply legendary or how would you classify Mr. Ogbu's wizardry? A man that was incaserated in one of Nigeria's most notorious maximum security prison, a fate which in itself is enough to bring inmates into an intimate relationship with their makers only brought out the talent in our man. He, from his prison abode ochestrated a con act using one of the oldest tricks in the book to net himself a princely sum of 12 million naira from a desperate woman who wanted to get married at all costs and by the way he is Igbo.

This also brings me to the subject of corruption, I think that the best way to eradicate corruption in Nigeria is by institutionalizing it like they did in North Korea and that simply means that everybody knows how much they would pay in bribes to each public service for an infringement like 20 naira is the premium for any driver that can't produce his license on request... catch the drift?

Love Letters

My dearest Magdalene, I hope this letter meets you in good condition of health, if so doxology. I know you are wondering why on a clear blue-sky day like today you are receiving this missive from me. Well, wonder no more because you are the only flower blooming in the garden of love this afternoon. And in the night you are the only moon that makes the sky bright.

I want to use this letter to let you know how much you mean to the life of my existence. If loving you is a crime, I want to be guilty. If loving you is a sin, I refuse to repent. My love for you is as constant as the northern star. Until now I have been drinking tea without sugar, but your beauty is sweeter than honey. All I am saying is: I want you to be mine forever because I can no longer live without you.

Please I hope you consider this humble and simple request because my life will never be the same again if you say no. I anticipate your favourable reply very soon please.

Your one and only,

Belasco De Hill.

This article at 234next.com gave me some good laughs and brought back merry memories of dark nights, kerosene lanterns and sweatless hotness while I struggled to compose a love letter to an imaginary girl I had fallen in love with, brown skin and a toothful smile, she was perfect. But I went to a boy's only secondary school and the nearest human community was 4km away. That was before the days of txt msgs and kalz, when boys played at been men and girls were virgins. Now I know why they called them the good ol' days.

The Poverty Line

The CIA world factbook page on Nigeria states that 70% of its citizens live below the poverty line and this was the topic of an early morning argument with one of my colleagues who argued that its impossible for anybody to survive on less than $1 per day and that such foreign reports are ploys to continuously paint Nigeria and Nigerians as poor and undernourished creatures. Becuase of the location of the argument(the office) and her discipline(Philosophy) we really couldn't argue it out, so I'm writing this post so as to have something to refer her to.

So to the question 'is the level of poverty in Nigeria that high? and do people survive on less than a dollar?'

The assumed population figure for Nigeria according to the 2006 census is 140 million though the US censors board thinks its actually above 150 million but since the US censors board is a 'foreign body' we would go with the 2006 result. 70% of 140 million is 98 million and while I might agree with my friend that I don't think the below the poverty line numbers is that much, I wouldn't so totally jump in with her to say it only portends 'bad belle' from the CIA it would just signify a flaw in their calculation algoritm since they would have based their result by calculating total population against total declared income after the fiscal year, revenues which are broadly from oil and taxes/royalities and since we(Nigerians) know of Nigeria's weak public management policy its easy to see the flaw.

But are there people who survive on less than a dollar?

The first example that jumps to my mind is the ever present traffic jam hawker who sells refreshments when my friend is cruising home in her air-conditioned car. How much does he make? what is his mark-up on the goods? and like she herself knows what he makes depends on the quantity sold. There are civil employees who are still been paid the minimum wage(7500) here in Nigeria and they have to cater to their family. How much does a police officer make? how much does a cobbler make? an electrician? By the time they spread their entire earnings over a 30 day period and find the mean, that poverty line number starts looking
realistic. To cap it off the Senior Special Assistant to the President and National Coordinator, National Poverty Eradication Programme, Magnus Kpakol said "Some 75 million Nigerians are poor but the government is determined to reduce the poverty line, so that by 2020, only 20 per cent of the citizens will be poor" and his defination of poor? "Accordance to the 2004 living standard survey, a poor person is one who cannot afford to spend a threshold amount of N65 per day".

To my friend, their are poor people in Nigeria, very very poor people, lets just be grateful we were spared.

Everybody is in it

I've been an action movie buff since I was a kid and names like Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis and Dolph Lundgren got my blood racing, in fact I wan turn soldier because of Chuck Norris na my mama take cane sama my head say make I go face my books but that is a gist for another day. Anyways I was stumbling across the internet yesterday when I ran into this new movie that just got my blood racing again and if you are an action movie fan it would do the same to you because "Everybody is in it", Sylvester Stallone, Arnie Swaz(Govenator), Bruce Willis, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren and Steve Austin are the main attractions, believe me when I say that action dosn't get better than this, the only missing name would be Chuck Norris but its okay I won't miss him much. Its called The Expendables and would be to action fans what Valentine's Day is to romantics. Cant wait to see this one.

A Life Of Bribery

Salisu Suleiman is one journalist that has continuously managed to convey without prejudice the dynamics of the Nigerian spirit. In this piece by him titled "Bribing your way through life", every Nigerian gets to look in the mirror. Read on and reflect.

You know the traffic light has stopped you, but still you zoom on, only to be flagged down by traffic wardens who have strategically positioned themselves for that very purpose - not before the lights to deter potential offenders, but after, to arrest actual offenders. For one split second, you consider speeding off, assured in the knowledge that the wardens do not have the vehicles to chase, nor the gadgets to track you. But you stop, and like vultures, they get into your car. You drive to a corner and negotiate. They demand N5,000 or threaten to take you to court. You plead or insult them into taking N200. Both sides are satisfied.

A few days later, officers of the Federal Road Safety Corps mount a roadblock to check drivers and vehicle documents. Your driver's license expired ages ago. Your car does not have insurance or up to date registration. It is seized by stony-faced officers. Soon, a friendlier officer comes along and offers you tips on how to ‘escape' the problem. After artful negotiations, you end up parting with thousands of naira and the car is released. Life goes on.

Not long afterwards, customs officers who demand the original import duties of your car stop you. Nobody knows if they have the powers to do that, but uniforms represent very powerful tools of oppression in Nigeria. Of course you do not have the documents because the car was smuggled in with forged papers. This could be a serious offense, but you negotiate your way out of it with several thousands of naira and a warning to go and get genuine documents. You all know it will not happen.

Then you run into a police checkpoint on a highway. The officers are heavily armed and will brook no nonsense. You do not have proof of ownership, so the car is not yours. To prove that the car is actually yours, you are also forced to part with a couple of hundreds of naira. You curse them. You pray that the money will never be of use to them. You invoke calamities on them and their future generations yet unborn. They do not care. They've heard more curses and more invectives rained on them by other motorists. If you do not cut your losses by quickly leaving the scene, you may end of a victim of ‘accidental discharge' or get shot for resisting arrest.

A friend or relative is in hospital with a health problem. You get there, only to be told that the sick person is yet to see a doctor despite waiting for hours. You immediately take charge. You locate the relevant officials and soon, your patient is moved to the front of the line. Miraculously, he sees a doctor within minutes. The hospital pharmacy tells you that there are no medicines and refers you a private pharmacy owned by his friend or relative. You smile knowingly. A few more notes (one issued by the doctor, and the others by the CBN) exchange hands. Again, by some form of miracle, medicines appear.

At school, there is a carryover that you have been unable to deal with. Your friends and classmates tell you that no matter how much you try, you'll never pass cross that bridge. Eventually, you find out that the course has a fee that has to be paid. Through intermediaries (usually the class rep or other classmates, you pay the fee and the carryover immediately varnishes. Depending on how much you ‘dropped', you may end of with a distinction.

You get home one day to find that your water supply has been cut. You immediately call a contact at the water board who tells you there is nothing he can do since there is a mass disconnection of defaulters going on. Joke. You see the manager and ‘settle' with him and he orders that you be immediately reconnected. The bill is torn up.

Every so often, NEPA decides to remind Nigerians that it is still alive, so even without giving you any power, they issue a huge bill you must pay or else be disconnected (from what, you may be tempted to ask). But you know the game and play along. You part with a few thousands and the enormous bills are erased from the central computer. Don't ask how.

So having bribed, cajoled, threatened and bought your way through life, who then has the moral right to say that votes were rigged, or government corrupt?